I should be writing. My novel, written during the NaNoWriMo month is only one chapter | three scenes | 10,000 words away from completion. Well, instead, I’m writing here.
You see, I’ve lost 50% of my sleep over the last two weeks worrying over my daughter’s social problems at school. I’ve woken at 3am each morning, and not been able to sleep. Still, I’ve tackled new courses to drive to, work, a social worker visit about our adoption progress, more work, and in between, I’ve written a whole darned novel. 100,000 words. A full novel this month.
Well, one of these things has to go. And I can’t do much about most of them, but maybe, by simply putting this down in writing, and getting it out of my head, then maybe - I’ll at least get some sleep.
***
When your daughter goes to school, it’s tough. At the age of four, five, or six, they don’t appear to have the social graces to be kind sometimes, but certainly know the opposite - how to be unkind, how to annoy and prod until somebody gets into trouble. Here in the U.K. there are huge attempts from the government down to stop bullying, and ironically my own daughter’s problems appear to have started in earnest last week, during the nation’s anti-bullying week. Although looking back, the writing has always been on the wall, and some of the problems listed below come from a few weeks back.
And these problems ironically started via two girls who my daughter, despite their behaviour, still persists in thinking of as her two best friends. Isn’t that every mother’s frustration - you can advise, plead, suggest, cajole, but you can’t choose your child’s friends for her. You can’t be in that playground when things go wrong. They are all alone in that.
My gut reaction is to go up to the mother’s of the two girls concerned and punch them in the face. At least, that’s how I’m feeling at 3:00am in the morning, after dealing with yet another episode from the day before. Of course, you can’t do that. In fact, you can’t even go up to them and say - ‘Hey, do you know what your daughter said or did to mine?’
My problem is that my daughter is one of the oldest in her class, and whereas she’s just turned six, some of them have just turned five. And my daughter is mature in that also. She and I, possibly because she’s currently a single child, have a wonderful relationship. We talk. She doesn’t have temper tantrums, she doesn’t sulk off, and she doesn’t call other people names. And she doesn’t lie.
One of my daughter’s friends lies like a - I can’t supply the simile. But she lies. She’s always lied, and she has a reputation for it, amongst quite a few adults. At a certain age, it was passed off as having an “active imagination” and even encouraged by her mother, who remains thinking that a girl of five needs such an active imagination.
Yes, I agree. Except when it turns nasty. Because now, when you talk to the girl, and she’s found out over something, the first thing out of her mouth - to my face on many occasions, is that my daughter is a liar. Over and over, I’ve heard and witnessed it myself. I’ve even witnessed it after overhearing a conversation where the little girl in question told my daughter that she wasn’t coming to her birthday party, just to get a rise out my own daughter. Once that rise was taken, and my daughter came over in tears, unwilling to dob in her own friend, but even before I could get out what had upset my daughter, this other little girl ran over and told me, to my face that my daughter always lied.
The problem is that some adults, teachers in the school, even, still believe this other little girl when she accuses others of lying. Despite this, I hold no grudges against the girl - she can be kind and sweet, she has a fantastic intelligence about her, but she’s not particularly popular out there with other mothers, and I’m not that sure why.
The second girl is younger still, and lives close to us. She and my daughter, and the liar girl have been friends since before starting school, having gone to the same nursery. However she has an older brother, and she has a heck of a temper about her. You sometimes catch her with the grumpiest of faces, and she can throw some real tantrums if things don’t go her way sometimes. However, her mother is a nice person, and spends a lot of time with her kids, and tries to encourage her daughter to deal with her emotions in a better way.Tantrum girl is quite popular with other kids. Her mother often invites other girls around - along with their older brothers afterschool.
As we all do. You see, each of us has problems to sort out with our own children, and we deal with it in different ways, but I’ve sat with both mothers through ballet classes, and not been able to agree with them when they’ve washed over the behaviour of their two daughters ganging up on mine, over and over again.
“Girls can be so catty,” they say, grinning and embarrassed, “One’s coming home and saying so and so isn’t my friend anymore, but the next day they’re all fine. Boys aren’t like that. Is your daughter like that?”
You know what? No. My daughter isn’t like that. Anytime somebody - normally those two girls - has informed her that they are no longer her friend, she’s come home and told me, and I’ve asked her how that makes her feel, and after the tears have stopped, I’ve told her to try not to make others feel that same way.
Well, here’s the message then. Girls don’t have to be like that. It’s up to all of us to not accept that behaviour, and to install into our daughters at an early age what friendship is meant to be about, and what friendship isn’t about. And that goes particularly for Tantrum and Liar girl (I’m sorry, I’m forced to use names like that, but neither are pure devils, nor is my daughter a pure angel either).
Here’s what it isn’t about -
Incident A
My daughter getting her words mixed up in the playground and saying something wrong to Tantrum girl, then immediately apologising for it, only to have Tantrum girl run off, pull her older brother and all her friends and his over to my daughter. They then stood around my daughter on the playground and all shouted at unison for her to apologise for saying it wrong. And when she tried to explain that she had said sorry, they kept shouting until she was crying.
This happened three times that I’m aware of. My daughter never told me, until she broke down in tears when she’d accidentally said something wrong to her father one weekend, and couldn’t simply offer an apology. She is now too ashamed to apologise, she doesn’t like people watching her.
Incident B
Note that Liar girl and my daughter were separated into different classes this year. My daughter and Tantrum girl were doing pretty well together in their class - both are very good at their school work, and both started ballet together in January, and everything was fine, until recently when Liar girl started coming to ballet also.
There was crying and screaming coming from the girls toilets in the hall where ballet class takes place. My daughter had gone in there to use the toilet, and her friends followed her in. I went in, to find my daughter on the toilet, and the other two playing in front, pounding on the door, and opening it. I asked them nicely to please not play in the toilets.
They didn’t come out. But it quietened down for a little. Then more screaming, and Liar girl came speeding out, straight up to me, and told me, to my face, that my daughter had told her she didn’t want to be her friend anymore. Liar girl’s mother told her not to tell tales. She’s used that term several times before.
I told Liar girl I didn’t believe her. It just popped out of my mouth. I regret that, but I’d just had enough. Tantrum girl came out shortly after, looking grumpy, but she and Liar girl went off to play. Then my daughter came out, crying. I called her over, and told her what Liar girl had told me, asked her if that could be true.
She burst into more sobs, because they’d not let her use the toilet, and they’d opened the cubicle door onto her head, over and over again. And Tantrum girl had told her that she was falling out with her, so my daughter had retaliated with the same thing back, only to have Liar girl at that point come running out to me to tell me her tale, as her mother put it.
As we talked, both Liar girl and Tantrum girl’s mothers sat around us, quiet as mice, surely hearing what was being said. Anyway, I calmed my daughter down, jollied her up, and told her to tell me if she was still having problems going to the toilet, as she had been recently. I sent her off to play. Except both Liar girl and Tantrum girl told her to go away, as they were playing together in the corner. Eventually another girl arrived, and my daughter ran around happily with her, but they still wouldn’t let her play.
Tantrum girl’s mother eventually called her over and told her that if she couldn’t play with everyone, she wouldn’t play with anyone. To her credit, and I appreciated the help, finally.
Once they came out of their ballet lesson, of course, they were all fine as friends again. I wasn’t. I was fuming all the way home, and the conversation between Tantrum girl and me walking home together was somewhat constrained.
Incident C
Liar girl’s mother is a good social networker. In fact, when Liar girl once gave my daughter a card calling my daughter her best friend, Liar Girl’s mother promptly - in front of me - told her daughter that she needed lots of friends, though, didn’t she.
With Liar girl’s movement into a different class from Tantrum and my daughter, this has admittedly been a bit difficult, but one other girl was invited around to her house one Monday afternoon, to play after school. This involves a 15 mile journey via car, to another village, so it’s always going to be a little difficult to arrange, but Liar girl is good at arranging such visits.
Unfortunately, now that this other little girl was going around, Liar girl decided she had too many friends, and informed my daughter that day, that she had chosen her not to be friends with anymore. Expendable friends, great.
Incident D
The classrooms have a reward and punishment structure involving sunshine and cloud charts. If a child does something wrong, they are put into the clouds and lose some time on Friday afternoons called Golden Time, where they get to do crafts and things. My daughter adores crafts, and is extremely well behaved. People say that all the time about my daughter. She goes around to visit on one of the rare occasions she gets invited, and every parent says that of her. Others embarrassingly hold her up as ransom examples sometimes towards their own children’s behaviour. She has her moments, of course, but you only have to tell her the once, and she will never do anything again.
Until last week, my daughter had never lost out on golden time, and I’m certain that there will be other occasions coming up. However, last week was the first. She told me, after ballet, crying, that she’d done something naughty and the teacher’s assistant taking the class that day had put her into the clouds. She was absolutely distraught, of course, so it took a bit to get the whole tale out.
Apparently they’d been sitting on a mat, and as my daughter described it, two boys had been whispering in her ear, and prodding her. We’ve told her to just say, ‘Stop it’ when someone tries to annoy her like that, but she did this three times. And the T.A. on the third, told her to put herself into the clouds.
It seemed a little odd that she couldn’t name the boys in the class who had got her into the trouble, but I didn’t persue it too much. Instead, both her father and I calmed her down, and got her accepting of her fate, that she would miss out on five minutes of her golden time the next afternoon, and she’d just have to grin and bear it, then it would be done.
As it was, my daughter came home that Friday grinning ear to ear. She’d sat there, while the rest of the class had done their golden time, and sat there through all of it. Eventually the class teacher noticed, and asked her what on earth she was doing. My daughter informed her that she was in the clouds, and not allowed golden time, and the teacher hadn’t noticed, nor timed her, so she’d done the whole afternoon off her own bat.
This week, several days later, it was my husband who put two and two together, after we found out that for some reason, the class teacher didn’t want my daughter and Tantrum girl to pair up for their dance in the Christmas Play. My husband threw out a question about the boys who had bothered her that day last week, and could one of them have been Tantrum girl, possibly? We had to pry it out of her, but yes, it had been. She’d covered for her friend, and just taken the punishment.
Nevermind, these things happen. Except for the rest of the week after that Friday.
Incident E
On the playground this Monday, Liar girl started calling my daughter “Bogienose”. My daughter does have a cold, and had most probably run out of tissues, and it was cold this week, so in all likeliness, she may have had a yucky nose. As have all the other children at one time or another, and this week - it appears they all have, take it from me, as I work with quite a few of them.
Bogienose then became Bumnose, and Liar girl ran off to tell Tantrum Girl. Both of them then came back to my daughter on the playground and Tantrum Girl informed my daughter that she had decided she was going to fall out with my daughter and not be her friend anymore, because Liar girl told her to.
My daughter suddenly had no one to play with. Eventually that afternoon, a school buddy - an older child, tried to circumvene, and suggested my daughter, who was sitting alone, should try playing with some other classmates or girls. But everytime my daughter attempted it, she was told that they only had room for two children, or three children, or however were already playing.
That lunchtime, Liar Girl had got up from her seat inside the school hall, and moved tables, something you’re not allowed to do, apparently. And Tantrum girl followed suit, leaving my daughter eating alone.
Tuesday came, normally things like that would be over by that time. However, it wasn’t. Tantrum girl still wasn’t her friend, and wouldn’t play with her. Nor was Liar girl. Liar girl went home sick with something that day, leaving only Tantrum and my daughter. Even then, Tantrum girl refused to play with my daughter, and any time my daughter went up to another group, Tantrum girl ran up to them and told them not to play with her either.
Strangely, the two were still talking, in their class, and Tantrum girl even drew a picture of herself onto a drawing of my daughter’s she brought home. But on seeing that Liar girl had gone home sick, Tantrum girl then stood over my daughter in the playground and demanded that my daughter went over to a teacher to tell her that Tantrum girl was sick also, and when my daughter initially refused, Tantrum girl screamed at her that my daughter owed her.
I don’t know what my daughter owes her. My daughter doesn’t know what she owes her. In fact, the terms “falling out” and “owes” have never been part of my daughter’s vocabulary, but the first is often used by Tantrum girl’s own mother.
***
Today, we were saved the embarrassment of Tantrum girl running around the playground before school, with her mother not doing anything when she refuses to play with my daughter. Both my daughter and I went to work at the local kids club early morning. There, she played and was happy, with many kids of different ages. These are kids who, when they see her in a supermarket or something, yell out to her, and welcome her. And none of them would ever think to call her bogienose or refuse to play with her, leaving her sitting alone on a bench for two days running.
And, they’re not even her friends.
But no matter how many times I’ve encouraged her to make other friends, or go and play with others, my daughter still loves and is loyal to both Tantrum and Liar. She’s not a push over, though. But she can’t see how much harm they are doing her.
Should I go and speak with a teacher about it? Should I speak with the girl’s mothers? My teachers have reacted by trying to keep the girls separate. But it’s a small school, and that just hasn’t worked. When Liar girl gets going, Tantrum girl falls into formation on the playground, and both actually do it quite nastily at times, without thought for other’s feelings. But they are not wicked girls, and nor are their parents. However, the same parents have turned blind eyes on numerous occasions, and in front of me; and in some ways, instigated their daughter’s own behaviour.
And I know, that as her mother, this is something I have to sit back, and worry over, but not something I can alter. Eventually those girls will “fall out” as Tantrum girl is so prone to demanding, permanently. And my daughter will start to notice that there are many other girls in her class, who are lovely and sweet, and actually treat her with respect. Most of them came to her birthday party, and loved it. I hope that I will see them again next year, and hopefully I can make more space in my daughter and my agenda to invite them over.
And deep down, I know that I’m a good parent. My daughter talks to me, and I listen to her. She doesn’t punch me, or grump, she doesn’t lie to cover up what she’s done, and she doesn’t go out to hurt or annoy or get her friends purposely in trouble. In fact, she’s covered it up on many occasions. And we work out the best way to deal with all of these emotions, and how not to make other people feel that way. And right now, she’s at school, holding her head up high, and proud, and not even thinking anything particularly bad about her so-called friends who have made her week so rotten.
And once they have fallen out permanently, and she’s noticed the better friends, who do circle around her outside of those two girl’s ranges, then I’m going to look at Liar Girl and Tantrum Girl, and think - You Girls just lost out on the best friend you possibly could have had, in your entire lifetime.
She won a school handwriting competition today, I was informed of this this morning, just before they went into school. As a prize, she gets to switch the Christmas lights on for the village. That’s a very big deal. She gets to be a celebrity for a night. And I’m proud and glad for her. And maybe her friends will congratulate her, and maybe not, when they find out, but she got twenty congratulations from kids at the club this morning, and to see her glowing like that, after such a tough week - well, that’s the other side of parenthood, isn’t it? The part where you actually get to see what it’s all for, in the end.
***
Final note : I don’t bear any illwill against the two girls concerned. 90% of the time, they are sweet and innocent and I enjoy their excitement and being around them. I also consider their parents to be just normal parents - just like you or I. And I’m certain that my own daughter has some bad “moves” of her own, some of which I deal with when I get to the bottom of her emotions, some of which I probably will never know about. I am also more than aware of the child development stages, and the lack of true loyalty in friendships at that age.
So, this diatribe is just a plea to myself, to get things out of my head, and more clearer onto paper. At some point in the future, all three girls will be playing together, this is a fact. But they also will go through similar patterns of nastiness and carelessness, and I ponder when it might be time for us all as parents to not accept that girls just do that, and to start estowing friendship values into our daughters to make their world just a little better place in those playgrounds.
The Next Day:
I considered deleting this post. Afterall, once off the chest, it had done the job. But it hadn’t. I’m still losing sleep thinking over it. And things haven’t altered considerably in the playground, but as parents, we have more information now.
Both girls continue to call my daughter names, and not be her friend. However, they are also running around the playground doing the same to many other children, all day, every day. Both parents appear oblivious to what their daughters are up to, although Tantrum girl arrived at school today with a bad grump on again.
This all seems to have arrived out of an immature reaction to the lessons the entire year had had last week, out of the nation’s anti-bullying week. Instead of learning from it, it’s forced into a situation where groups of kids are going around accusing others of being a bully, as part of the name-calling process.
This is not helped by the general culture within the school, where all children are encouraged to report to a school buddy, mid-day monitor, playground monitor or teacher when rules are broken, kids won’t play with them, someone makes a mistake, someone hurts someone, even accidentally…
Although this seems great on the front, with younger children it’s become very much an attempt to tell tales on each other, to score points - who can tell on someone else the quickest. And usually, the first person up to a teacher is the one who is believed, without much questioning of the person told on. I’ve seen it in action over and over again, and have to deal with it myself personally when it happens in kids club.
Whereas most of the older children learn the differences between what really is right and wrong, the younger ones lead a life where they aren’t learning the social graces of negotiating or even accepting other’s apologies well.
The upshot is that two little girls are going around thinking it’s funny to call people nasty names, and the rest are sitting there saying they are (as they probably are) bullies. Most are thinking it’s funny, but there are a few who are becoming quite hurt by it. My daughter being one, but there are now others.
However, those others weren’t these two girl’s best friend, so aren’t left without anybody else to play with. They all have small cliques of friends, and the games they play in the playground are designed only for those cliques. There are games like tag and something for only three - duck, duck, goosey (don’t ask - I have no idea).
Even so, the tag games are becoming more and more violent. They are now playing kick tag - kicking the person they are tagging. And all of this is out on winter concrete, which I watched as several kids skidded on yesterday afternoon. As it’s winter, the grass field and play equipment is off limits, so you have 300 children all on concrete the size of two netball courts. And that’s it. No football, only tag, and these small clique games.
That’s the second problem with this country. With the new politically correct health and safety advice, and fears of parents suing the schools, there are no games out there to encourage group interaction, or for a girl like my daughter, abandoned onto the bench all playtime, to join in with.
We used to have skipping, elastics, even marbles to play with. None of those are allowed anymore. Boys would have football, and marbles, the play equipment was larger then also. Nowadays they aren’t allowed any of it.
My daughter still doesn’t appear to have many friends, but she is slowly finding herself into another group. We’ve invited one little girl over next week, and slowly we will do others. She went to school happy this morning, and I am proud at her braveness.
Monday, December 29, 2008 at 03:07PM 
Michelle@Scrapability