Reassessing

I went and blogged yesterday. A big spiel on my adoption issues of Saturday. Then I went and walked the dog, and sat on a bench around the local lake, watching ducks and seagulls, and listening to the breeze over the water.

Call it an artist’s date, although I had a dog who wouldn’t stick around too long to allow me to ponder. Fifteen minutes was his limit, but that’s better than if I had my daughter with me.

I returned home, to pick up my daughter from school, and the noise and attention and playing and reading and everything else of importance kicked in, and so did my paranoia.

By the time my hubbie got home (late) from work, I was desperately thinking I should delete that blog entry. What if they googled me? What if they found what I wrote? What if they rang me up and said I was no longer on the adoption programme because of making public something I should not have?

It’s not an unfamiliar paranoia. I witnessed something similar from many of the people on that adoption course. Through those social welfare worker’s fingers scatter our very deepest hopes and dreams. With one decision they can shatter something we’ve all been working towards for many many months, if not years. Adoption is not something that many people come to without first going through some heart-wrending years attempting other ways to have a family. And often of convincing one or other of the partners that this is an acceptable and workable idea, also of getting your other family members including children who can’t quite grasp the concept, ready for this event. Not only are our own adult hearts and hopes on the line, but for many years, our families. There are a lot of people contained within the hands of those social welfare workers, including that of those children awaiting placement. Lots of eggs to juggle.

And if this egg were a little critical of something?  

Other people kept asking - what if we are declined at the adoption panel? How do you ask for a review? So I’m not the only one feeling this particular paranoia, but perhaps I am the only one who is at risk of being found out for not totally playing the game. But I prefer honesty, and have some faith that our own assigned social worker might look at this and approve.

So I’m not taking the blog down, not as yet until my hubbie has read it later this week, and confirms whether he is prepared to accept that risk. In the meantime I’m going to bury it in other blogs, and bury my thoughts in other thoughts. 

This blog is changing though, have you noticed? Or I am changing perhaps. I have barely been and read any community forums lately, as I begin work on my writing dream. I do certainly do digital scrapbooking and have been minorly successful in growing my design for others business. But I’m not particularly putting that information up here. I’m moving (in my mind) back into some altered and mixed media work, although often realise that most of my projects like that end up as dust-collectors on the shelves. And most are an awkward shape to store too, *giggle*.

I am about to volunteer to work at the school’s after school kids club on one afternoon a week, plus oncall work. It’s an absolute riot in there, but they do crafts, and I’d like to share some of my skills with those children - including my own daughter. I hope they don’t accept somebody else.

The blog is becoming less digital scrapbooking, and more a personal column of my life. I don’t know (or care) if that might be a good thing or bad. It might well find me less subscribers or readers, but I don’t blog for that reason either (else I’d have all sorts of advertisements to try to make some money on this).  I feel myself pulling away from all the controversy of the digital and scrapbooking world, and cocooning my own focus to somewhere closer to home, and with specific digital and other arts and writing contacts.  

From an The Artist’s Way perspective, this appears a vast time of personal changes, added to by an nth degree with the whole adoption assessment thing. Whether I’m turning into a butterfly after this cocooning is beyond me - I quite fancy that I’ll actually turn into another type of caterpillar, perhaps with some colourful protubances. Not as dynamic as a big colourful but brief butterfly, but much less flittery - more grounded.

Interesting journey then. Come along if you really want the ride.  

Comments

[Square-Peg Karen]

I LOVED that blog yesterday, about the social work adoption class - I was so moved by your honesty, boldness and integrity that I couldn't even respond (i was rendered speechless..that's a big deal!)

I'm along for the ride ! I'd bet plenty of folks are, Michelle - your words (like your work) are SO worth it!!!